You’ve probably heard The Men’s Rooms Miles Montgomery do radio commercial promoting Powerball (a multi-state lottery) has come to the great state of Washington. The odds on winning Powerball are about 1 in 195 million or about the same odds that Ryan Castle WON’T be hung over on-air at least twice a week. Though it seems astronomical that I would win Powerball, I believe you can’t hit a homerun unless you take a swing with a bat. And to hear the record jackpot for Powerball $365 million, (said like Dr. Evil with pinky raised to lips) I can’t help but to dream about what I would do if I won say……..$200 million. So I figure I better start planning now so when I do win I’ll be prepared…..
Now that I’m a $200 millionaire I have to spend my new found wealth and charities are out of the question. I’m blowing every dime!!! So it’s a given we’d all buy a 20 room mansion. We’d all buy a new Maybach/Ferrari/Lamborghini/Aston Martin….one of each of course. We’d all buy a killer boat flanked with dozens of bikini model sweethearts. We’d all have a statue of ourselves made out of pure gold and have it displayed on top of the Space Needle. And of course we’d all buy Montana and re-name it “Stupid Land”. So now that I have everything what do you buy when you have it all? Well I thought long and hard about what I would buy to truly make me happy. And the answer is……..A TROUBLED CELEBRITY!!!
That’s right, I’d find a troubled celebrity down on his luck and pay him a healthy salary to live on my estate and be at my beckon call to entertain me at my will. So who do I “buy”? For awhile I thought about Tom Sizemore. He’s definitely troubled and I liked him in “Natural Born Killers” and “Heat”. But I’ve really liked his work in his newest project “VH1’s Celebrity Rehab”. You see there is something about watching him train wreck his life that is so damn entertaining. I figure I could build a mini rehab facility with plexy glass walls so I don’t have to wait every week to watch him detox and sneak meth/crack hits and hide it from the doctors, I can watch him do it every day! It will kind’ve be like a zoo with only one exhibit. The problem is he would probably escape my compound and blow the $200,000 a year I paid him within a week on dope and I’d never see him again….or my silverware….or my T.V.
Still seemed worthwhile since I still have about $100 million left in the bank until I heard this little news……
A celebrity that went to jail over a domestic dispute and couldn’t muster up the $1,700 bail. That person would be GARY COLEMAN!!!!!!!!! Hold the phones, it hit me that I could “buy” Arnold Drummond. Not only is Gary Coleman less sweaty than Tom Sizemore he’s also way funnier…I mean he has an iconic catchphrase! So not only did I win Powerball but now I have Gary Coleman living on my estate. Sounds like I hit the jackpot twice. So what would I have him do? He can be my beer bitch! He would just hang in a room and I would have a button that every time I pressed it a light would go off in his room. Then he would come meet me and say “Yes JEETZ?” and I’d say
” Yo Gary Coleman, go grab me a beer bitch” and contractually he’d have to respond “what chew talkin bout JEETZ?”. I promise I would laugh everytime. Easiest $200,000 he ever made. Much easier than when he worked as a mall security guard back in 2001. So thats it Powerballers, thats what I would blow my money on.
So the next time you buy a Powerball ticket your not just buying a chance to get rich, but a chance to buy your very own troubled celebrity!

Don’t waste your day, go get wasted!!!!