“Hola,

So, you can’t sleep at night and you don’t know why.  Your lack of sleep is effecting your ability to do basic day- to- day things.  You’d give anything to sleep like a normal person… does that include aggression, acts of aggression, thoughts of hurting yourself and hallucinations.  If so, Lunesta might be for you.  Are you depressed?  No one wants to be depressed, but would you trade your depression for fever, confusion, heart palpitations, uncontrollable muscle movements, sudden numbness and/ or problems with speech?  If so, try Abilify.  How about this; would you rather suffer from suicidal thoughts, hostility, agitation, hallucinations and/ or fainting, or deal with anxiety?  If you prefer the laundry- list of issues, take Ativan… you might go f**king crazy, but you won’t be anxious.  Side effects, the unfortunate aftermath of doing something beneficial, whether it’s beneficial for the mind, body or soul.  Everyone enjoys food, hell, you need it to survive, but, inevitably, there’s some food you enjoy that comes back to haunt you in some way; heartburn, the sh*ts, farting, etc.  A lot of people want to be famous, but one guaranteed side effect is that your personal and private life cease to exist and everything you do becomes public fodder.  Maybe you’re in a band, a noble pursuit to be sure, but if you don’t “make it”, the universal side effect seems to be a great lack of money.  Everything comes with a side effect and today we discussed:  BASED ON WHAT YOU LIKE TO DO, WHAT SIDE EFFECT DO YOU TOLERATE?

Hell, you name it; I LOVE me a good milkshake, however, I’ll fart for the next 20 hours and finish it off with a monster sh*t.  The whole process is a painful one, but I suffer through it every chance I get.  Love milkshakes.  I also love playing bass but I have a deep- seeded need to play very loud and very hard… the side effect is having to pay for repairs or new basses more than anyone I know or have met.  I just can’t play softly… not how music moves me… but it gets expensive.

As for you:

Loves “crappy” (meaning DELICIOUS) food… the side effect is his requirement to work out religiously to avoid expanding like the Universe after the Big Bang

She has type 1 diabetes, which is easily controlled with insulin… her side effect is her inability or unwillingness to take her insulin on a regular basis

Loves, loves, loves jalapenos… 12 hours later it’s like his butt was napalmed

Allergic to grains in alcohol but gets “just drunk enough to not care about the side effects”… well played, sir

Enjoys weed and tolerates the short term memory loss… how do you KNOW you have short- term memory loss?

Enjoys Raisin Bran cereal, in spite of the fact that within 20 minutes, his ass sounds like stampeding buffalo

Because she LOVES sex, she tolerates the “D- bag” guys later… works both ways, sweetheart.

Loves playing soccer and dodge ball… side effects include bruises and pain

Gets diarrhea when he eats too much pizza… he eats a lot of pizza

Trains MMA… has had staph, MRSA, ringworm and has cold sores on his back… don’t know if he’s single, ladies

OK bitches, that’s a wrap.  That kind of day… that kind of month, really, but what can you do?

Until tomorrow, love ‘em and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

A guy by the name of Curry Todd is a Tennessee lawmaker and he’s best known in his home state for being the man who sponsored a bill to allow people to carry a handgun into a bar or restaurant that serves alcohol.  The stipulation is that you can’t consume alcohol if your gun is on you.  Wouldn’t you know it, Curry was pulled over for a DUI and got an additional charge for having his handgun on him while intoxicated… a result of the law he created.  Reminds us of Phillip Contos, a New York motorcycle rider who died of head injuries… while participating in a ride to protest New York’s mandatory helmet law.  The irony here, in case you missed it, is that he would have survived if he’d been wearing a helmet.   That’s how it goes sometimes; we know the risks, we hear the warnings and we ignore them, only to discover that yea, maybe you SHOULDN’T stick your hand in an animal’s cage or yea, objects in mirror ARE closer than they appear!  WHAT WARNING DID YOU IGNORE, ONLY TO LEARN LATER WHY YOU WERE WARNED IN THE FIRST PLACE?

It’s not a rule I live by, but notoriously, I ignore everyone’s advice and warnings.  The reason is because I’m remarkably stupid and end up in trouble a lot more than anyone should.  I know I SHOULD listen, but I don’t, never have and it’s unlikely that I ever will.

As for you:

Worked as a firefighter, but didn’t heed the advice of wearing a mask when moving a dead body… now he knows better

Lost fingers in a wood chipper after ignoring the warning that says NOT to place any part of your body in the machine WHILE IT’S IN OPERATION

Blew up part of his Face WITH FIREWORKS… described himself as looking like the Phantom of the Opera

Three years ago he ignored the expiration date on his condoms… today he’s the proud father of a 2- year- old.  Congratulations

Got drunk at a sounders game and tapped a cop on the shoulder, the cop warned him not to touch him again… he didn’t listen, so after an abrupt headlock and scolding, he was thrown out of the stadium

Ignored the sign on the Murphy bed that warned that it was heavy… as a result, she got smashed on the head

Took 8 hits of acid and had an experience akin to doing 8 hits of acid

Walked down the stairs in roller blades… it ended about the way you assume it did

He was warned that the girl had gonorrhea, but did he listen?  No, she was SOOOOO hot.  Took pills for the next week to kill the burn

Didn’t believe that cigarettes were addictive

OK, bitches, I’m outta here.

Until tomorrow, do it slowly and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

We talked to Seattle’s own superhero, Phoenix Jones, yesterday, where he attempted to set the record straight about what happened early Sunday morning in Belltown.  To recap, Phoenix and his sidekicks were patrolling the streets when he witnessed, what he perceived, to be a fight among 7 or 8 people.  Long- story short, he peppered- sprayed four of them and was subsequently arrested for assault.  He’ll be arraigned on Thursday.  It’s no secret that Belltown is where stupid people go to express their stupidity, and that’s why Phoenix and company frequent the area.  It’s also why the neighborhood itself set up a citizen’s patrol.  Instead of only complaining about it, they organized an effort to actually do something about it.  Meanwhile, in cities across America, including here in Seattle, the Occupy Wall Street movement has gained momentum, although it’s produced pretty much no results.  Nevertheless, like the Tea Party Movement before them, the ‘occupiers’ are trying to create some kind of change that benefits the Average Joe and not just those who contribute six digits to election campaigns.  And now, outside of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, a group of homeless, and their benefactors, are protesting FEMA funding cuts to their shelter.  Crime, corporate greed, basic human rights, it’s the stuff that’s always in the news, but these people are fed up enough to actually make an attempt to do something about it.  Today’s question:  EVERYONE GETS MAD AT SOMETHING; WHAT’S THE ISSUE THAT PISSES YOU OFF THE MOST AND HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

Little dogs in grocery stores… I’m sure it happens in places outside of Seattle, but I’ve never seen it personally.  People are very weird about their dogs here, believe they should be able to take them any and everywhere

Over population… hasn’t and won’t have kids.  There are a lot of arguments to be made about over- population, then you look at the population centers around the globe and you realize that it’s not over- population, it’s a collective inability to take advantage of the space we have

People who tailgate… we’re assuming he means drivers and not people who enjoy multiple cocktails before a sporting event

The cost of health care… nothing he can do, so he tries to stay healthy.  The cost of health care is ridiculous, but it’s more ridiculous the lengths at which insurance companies will go to avoid to provide the service you paid for

Politics in general…. Resents the phoniness of it all

Other musicians in Guitar Center… turn up loud and play for sh*t

The Child Support system in Washington state… the issue is, the state charges what they charge for profit, not to take care of the kids

I could go on, but I’m running out of time… not unlike Keiffer Sutherland on every episode of ‘24’.

SIT AND SPIN
Today we covered 16 musicians best known for their accessories.  Seriously.

Here’s a link:

OK bitches, I’m outta here.  Trivia night.

Until tomorrow, touch it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

Today is Columbus Day, a day we credit Christopher Columbus with discovering America.  Oddly enough, he was in the Bahamas and thought he was in India, but we’ve spent the last 500- plus years saying he discovered America.  He didn’t, but the guy got a whole holiday in his honor.  I’m not dogging our boy Chris, and to be fair, the guy who ‘invented’ bubble gum wasn’t out to create a tasty treat, he was trying to create a synthetic form of rubber for the war effort… and the people behind Viagra weren’t interested in bringing sexy back to nursing homes, they were worried about your blood pressure.  Subsequently, I didn’t actually discover Guns and Roses all those years ago, but among my friends, I’m the guy who discovered them.  On the other hand, my buddy Paul ‘discovered’ Soundgarden.   Here in Seattle, Miles ‘discovered’ Red Mill burgers, Ted discovered ‘The Wire’ and Ben discovered that dogs can be ‘yeasty’.  Download the poddamn podcast to understand what I’m talking about.  Anyway, sometimes you discovered something that you and your friends didn’t know about and you feel that you have to share.  Maybe it’s a bans, a restaurant, a game or a website, today we wanted to know:  IN YOUR LITTLE WORLD, WHAT DO YOU GET CREDITED FOR DISCOVERING?

The Quesadilla Factory in Centralia… looks like sh*t on the outside, but inside are X- Boxes, pinball machines and some really good food, so if you’re in Centralia, check it out

Was the first of his friends to discover the joy that is online shopping via Amazon or e-Bay.  I only discovered the joys this summer.  I knew they existed, but I never bought anything through them, but as I get pickier and more particular about what I want, it seems that I can find exactly what I want online

He introduced his friends to ‘Breaking Bad’ (which I need to see), ‘Seinfeld’ (which I’ve seen plenty of) and us, the Men’s Room

The Sloop in Ballard… he likes to drink (because he’s a good man) but when it comes to drinking, certain places suit you and your buddies better than others and the Sloop hits the spot for him

Discovered Japanese iced coffee… I have absolutely no idea what Japanese iced coffee is but it’s either a delicious drink or a sex move

Was the first of his friends to realize that women share the details of their sex lives with all of their friends.  Keep that in mind, gentleman and perform well

Randy’s Rolling Papers… a paper with a wire in it for easier joint passing and holding of the roach… for tobacco use only, of course

Sea Magic fertilizer… if you’ve got a garden, this is, apparently, the way to go

OK bitches, I’ve gotta go for now.  Much to do and less time to do it than I’d like.

Until tomorrow, find a crook and protect them and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

Baltimore Ravens tackle and the subject of “The Blind Side”, Michael Oher, was in the news earlier this week when he tweeted about Steve Jobs.  Steve Jobs, of course, is the former CEO of Apple who died earlier this week at age 56 from complications from cancer.  Chances are you knew that.  Oher didn’t.  In the wake of Jobs’ death, Oher tweeted that he had no idea who in the hell steve Jobs was. Pretty much everyone poked fun at him… everyone except Ted’s sister, who ALSO didn’t know who Jobs was.  That’s OK, I only recently found out that Blake Lively isn’t a guy and, like Ted, I thought Shia LaBouf was a woman.  I don’t exactly have my finger on the pulse of pop culture, and I’m OK with that, but every- so- often, I come off as a complete idiot.  Actually, I probably come off as a complete idiot more than I know, but that’s a different story.  Sometimes you just don’t know things that everyone else in the world seems to know.  Maybe you overslept on 9/11 and wondered what everyone was going on about, or you always wondered how hot that chick Molly, from Molly Hatchet, was or you’re like me, and you only recently found out what that beeping sound was for at crosswalks.  Today we wanted to know:  WHO OR WHAT WERE YOU THE LAST PERSON TO KNOW?

Thought James Taylor was dead… confused the man for his career

He was the last member of his family to find out that his 19- year- old daughter is a convicted felon… found out on Facebook

He was the last member of his band to know that his band was breaking up after 3 and a- half- years together

Found out LAST YEAR that Tums are NOT candy… he ate them like candy because he thinks they’re delicious.  He didn’t find out they what they were until he joined the military and a buddy in Basic explained it to him

Was the last to know that Henry Rollins was the SECOND singer for Black Flag

He was the last person to find out who Casey Anthony was… that’s debatable because I had no idea who the hell she was either.  Turns out she’s a bitch, huh?

She was a virgin as a senior in high school (no big deal) but she believed that each testicle was in its own sack .  She even asked the guy who she lost her virginity to if there was something wrong with his naughty bits.

Last to know that New Mexico is a state.  What makes this SO bad is that he was BORN THERE!

Last in his family to find out that his father was almost murdered in his home… found out two months after the fact

Just found out that her cousin was cross- eyed… apparently he always wore sunglasses and looked in a completely different direction when he talked, so she always assumed that he was talking to someone else

He was 31 when he found out that paparazzi are the scum bags who chase ‘celebrities’ around taking pointless pictures of them doing nothing.  Paparazzi, by the way, is Italian for ‘buzzing insects’.  True

Was the last person in America and possibly the world to find out that Osama bin Laden was killed… found out about 8 days after the fact

Alright bitches, the weekend is here and I’m starting it like a real man… going to Ikea and then to Baby’s R Us to get a baby gate.  Yea, you WISH you were me, but you’re not.  Deal with it!

Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

ESPN has chosen to part company with singer Hank Williams Jr. after Hank was accused of comparing President Barack Obama to Adolph Hitler… even though he didn’t compare President Obama to Adolph Hitler.  What he said was that President Obama golfing with Speaker of the House John Boehner was like Adolph Hitler golfing with Benjamin Netanyahu… the point being that American politics and politicians have divided the country into two halves that unwilling to work together.  Nevertheless, that’s not how the “media” spun it and so Hank apologized for something he never said.  And even if the liars in the “media” had been telling the truth, he’s entitled to his opinion… in THEORY anyway.  In America, you now have to apologize for everything you think, say or do.  It’s pathetic, but that’s what we’ve come to.  Johnny Depp issued an apology earlier this week after comparing photo shoots to being raped.  While it might not have been the best analogy, but most people understood the point.  MOST people, but not enough people that Depp didn’t have to offer the PC apology to overly sensitive folks.  Tons of ‘celebrities’ have offered up heartless apologies over the years and it’s just silly, but in real life there are those people who truly owe you an apology and today we wanted to know who that person is:  WHO TRULY OWES YOU AN APOLOGY AND FOR WHAT?

For me, I really don’t know.  I’m not the type to require an apology.  Don’t get me wrong, people do me wrong, piss me off, etc, but, generally speaking, if someone strikes me as being ‘toxic’, for lack of a better word, I cut them outta my life.  Sounds drastic, maybe it is, but as you get older, you just don’t deal with certain sh*t.  Besides, I’m grumpy all the time.

As for you:

The girl who lied and got her kicked out of high school in her sophomore year… screwed up her education and she graduated 2 years late

His niece owes him an apology for accusing him of bashing her over the head with a beer bottle… he didn’t

Green Day… (here we go)… this guy claims he came up with the band name.  He didn’t, but he’s somewhere between a lunatic and an idiot

The ‘friend’ who wrecked her car and then lied about it… ended up costing her $1000

Her baby daddy owes her an apology because he’s told her he only shoots blanks… turns out there was a bullet in the chamber

His boss needs to apologize for being a bitch

A “friend” of hers who has taken not one, but two of her love interests over the years

Wants an apology from his ex, who left him for a 16 year old… you won’t get an apology, but I can see why his ego was bruised

Wants us to apologize for keeping people on hold… I’d love to apologize, but there are many apologies that need to be issued.  I’ll apologize to you just as soon as I can, but we apologize to people in the order that their requests come in.

His step- mother actually owes him $100,000 from his inheritance, but in the meantime he’d like an apology

Whoever broke into his house AND burned it down

OK bitches, this has been one of “those” days.  It happens from time to time, but what are you gonna do?  On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday, Fridizzle, Fridelicious.

Until then, hit ‘em where it hurts and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

A survey by NBC of modern- day mothers basically revealed what we already know; about two thirds of mothers would rather be stay –at- home moms than working moms.  More than half of WORKING mothers (53% if it matters) said they quit their job immediately to stay home with the kids if they didn’t need the additional income.  Sounds real maternal and all… until the kids are school age… then it just sounds lazy because at that point you’re just staying home… not staying home with the kids.  Just sayin’.  Anyway, the thing about staying home is, in theory, you do most of the chores around the house, and when your kids get old enough, you pawn some of those responsibilities off on them.  Well, wouldn’t you know it, another survey uncovers the 5 most hated chores as seen by parents and by kids.  I’ll share the list below… because I’m a swell guy like that.  Really, it’s just a list of the crap we all have to do but take no particular pleasure in, like doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, etc.  There’s also stuff like paying bills, walking the dog in the rain, sitting in traffic on the way to work, and a bunch of other day-to- day necessities we do because we HAVE to, not because we WANT to.  That brings us to today’s question:  WHAT DAY- TO- DAY RESPONSIBILITY DO YOU HATE THE MOST?

Like anyone, I don’t enjoy paying bills because that’s not as enjoyable as, say, spending the same amount of money on booze and drugs, but it doesn’t drive me too crazy.  I don’t have any fondness for cleaning, but I do it all the time because, frankly, I pay to live in my house and I have a serious problem with paying money to live in sh*t hole.  Just one of those things.  The thing I hate the most isn’t necessarily walking the dog, but picking up it’s sh*t.  Not sure there’s anything more degrading than picking up a pile of crap.

As for the above- mentioned survey of hated chores, here you go:

PARENTS’ MOST HATED CHORES

Cleaning the bathroom

Washing dishes

Doing laundry

Cleaning the kitchen

Cleaning the bedroom

KIDS’ MOST- HATED CHORES

Cleaning the bathroom

Washing dishes

Taking out the garbage

Cleaning up the bedroom

Doing laundry

Now you know.  As for the rest of you:

Going to work… spends an hour on the bus to work for 5 hours at minimum wage

Cleaning the bathroom

Dishes… doesn’t have a dishwasher

Vacuuming… it’s too heavy to lug up and down the stairs

Buying cigarettes… they’re expensive, they’re unhealthy and he always ends up buying other stuff

Folding and putting laundry away

Taking out the trash… has to go uphill to a dumpster

Hates emptying the dishwasher… I do too, but I always remind myself that I didn’t really do anything, I just need to put the stuff away.  It doesn’t help… still hate it

Getting up at 6am … yea, if I don’t have to catch a flight, 6 am is just WAY too early

Driving the kids 12 miles to school everyday

Grocery shopping… amen, I absolutely hate it.  It’s not the process of grocery shopping, it’s dealing with all the other people there.  I’m not what you’d call a ‘people person’, unless you’re a serial killer or psychopath

Cleaning the three litter boxes for his girlfriend’s TEN CATS!!! TEN OF THEM, BITCHES!

Hates changing the diaper of his 86 year old mother- in- law.  I won’t bother to explain why he hates it because it involves changing the diaper of his 86- year- old mother- in- law.

Our “favorite” call of the day involved a woman named Victoria, who told us that she was tired of having to empty her loogie can every morning.  Ever heard anything sexier?  Didn’t think so.

OK bitches, I’ll leave you with loogies.  You’re welcome.

Until tomorrow, suck it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

In case you just awakened from a coma and haven’t heard, Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox, after 4 years in an Italian prison for the murder of Meredith Kerchner, was ACQUITTED of murder and set free.  Naturally, there was a celebration here in the Pacific Northwest, from whence Amanda came, but in Italy, the sentiment wasn’t so positive… which is to be expected.  Nevertheless, in spite of Italian hostility and memories of 4 years in an Italian clink, a ‘source’ says that ‘Amanda hopes to RETURN to Italy someday’.  If that’s true, we feel compelled to ask, ‘WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?”  There are just some places you don’t need to go, and for Amanda that would be Italy… and any Kerchner family reunion.  I’m not being a d**, I say this because the hopeless dim- witted Kim Kardashian did almost exactly like that in 2007 when she went to a red- carpet fundraising event for the Nicole Brown foundation.  Nicole Brown is the woman OJ murdered.   Kim Kardashian’s father is one of the soulless scumbags that defended OJ.  In fact, her father, Robert Kardashian, was the attorney who met OJ at the airport and conveniently allowed some evidence to be ‘misplaced’.  In spite of this, Kim showed up at the fundraiser.  She was asked to leave and seemed to be at a loss to understand why… which confirms my theory that she is one of the dumbest people to disgrace our planet.  Thank God she’s cute.  Then there’s Leisure and Travel (not to be confused with Travel and Leisure) who just released a list of the 10 places around the world you just shouldn’t go.  Here’s the link: This leads to today’s question:  WHERE HAVE YOU GONE THAT YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I should have never, EVER been behind the wheel of a car that I intended to race.  Long story short, I flipped the car 7 and a half times (or that’s what I was told) and landed on the roof.  Everyone thought I was dead, but their hopes were dashed when I emerged from the window of the car (with the help of the rescue crew) and waved to the crowd.  Exciting as auto racing can be, I have no intention of giving it another go.

The stories we got today were way too long and involved to recreate here, so I won’t, but two of them really stick out:

#1.  The question was ‘where have you gone that you that you SHOULDN’T have been?’  A guy calls (our first caller if I remember) and he’d been in jail for 11 years!  Naturally, we were excited to hear this story of false imprisonment, blah, blah, blah, so we were a little let down to find out that he’d stolen 50 CARS!  We asked the obvious question; ‘why do you think you SHOULDN’T have been in jail if you stole 50 cars’?  His well thought out response was, “I don’t know.  Just don’t think I shoulda been in jail.”  Thanks for calling.  Guy made me laugh but I think he missed the point.  Karma being the bitch it is, he’s currently disabled after getting into a car wreck.

#2.  Guy goes to Memphis with his then- fiancé for a wedding.  They do all the touristy stuff, hit Beale Street, etc and have such a good time that they go back the next night.  There are about seven of them, all white and they didn’t know that they were in the location of Crunk Fest, where a lot of black people who do not like white people get together to do all things gangsta.  It’s an annual event, but the general rule is, if you’re white, don’t go.  They didn’t know this, but the mean mugging from the crowd helped silently explain that they should hit the road.  They obliged… but not without incident.  Naturally, one of his entourage was into rap and decided to start singing songs, even dropping the N- bomb.  Things could have been worse for them (obviously), but a large brotha said, “hey you.  You’re white.”  The message was understood and they escaped with their lives.

As a black guy, I’ve had the opposite experience; walked into a bar with a dirt floor, everyone dressed in camo in rural Pennsylvania.  You could have heard a pin drop (if pins made noise on dirt floors).  Pretty sure everyone could hear my heart beating, but I strolled up to the bar, assuming it would be my last beer.  The bartender asked me where I was from, told him I was from Baltimore and waited to be killed.  It was very uncomfortable in there, but it turns out every dude in there was in the union of brick layers that laid the bricks for Oriole Park at Camden Yards!  Saved the day!  Suddenly I was super popular and I had a great time.  Don’t know if I’ll get that lucky again, but it was an epic night.  People in camo can drink their asses off!

On that note, I’m outta here, bitches!

Until tomorrow, spin your partner and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a.k.a., the Mormons, have unleashed a massive ad campaign in Seattle, aiming to help us non- Mormons better understand the Mormon faith.  Starting tonight, you’ll see ads on TV, the sides of buses and online.  Get used to it because the advertising campaign goes through March of next year.  Don’t know what the point of the campaign is, but if you ever wanted to know about Mormons and why they’re so easy to make fun of, the next few months will give you the chance to find out.  Then there’s a woman in England who dated a guy for years, only to find out that he was, in fact, a she.  Click here for a look.  See, “he” was uncomfortable getting naked because of unsightly scars obtained in surgeries related to testicluar cancer (vagina) and always wore bandages around her chest to hide her BOOBS scars from a fire.  Lindsay, the ACTUAL woman in the relationship, always wondered why her ‘boyfriend’ had to explain so many things.  Depending on who you are, you probably find that you have to explain things to people.  Maybe you’re a vegan or OCD or a convicted felon or a recovering alcoholic… today we wanted you to fill- in- the- blank:  BECAUSE I’M _________, I ALWAYS NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I DO OR DON’T DO _________.

As I discovered last week, I seemingly have to explain that I’m black, and THAT’S why you’ll occasionally hear me say ‘nigger’… not because I’m a racist… at least, not toward black people.  I was getting e- mails from angry folks who thought I was white and dropping the ‘N- bomb’, as it’s called, and were telling me that my racism has no place in the 21st century.  That being said, I never bothered to explain anything because, frankly, no one owes anyone an explanation for anything, besides, it’s more fun to hear people freak out about stuff that they’re wrong about.  Always fun.  So, for those folks who DO know I’m black (and recognize the context of ‘nigger’ when it’s said), I always seem to get the question ‘why is it OK for black people to say it and not anyone else?’  Well, I didn’t come up with the “rule”, so I don’t entirely know, but look at it like this; I’m willing to bet that your mother has pissed you off at some point, or your wife or your girlfriend?  Maybe they were irrational and gave you a bunch of sh*t that you didn’t deserve?  OK then, your mother’s a c*nt.  Not cool?  If not, you get it.

As for you:

He’s a young, able- bodied adult and has to explain why he’s not in college… the answer is, he doesn’t wanna go into debt for something worth less than the cost of obtaining it.  He’s already advanced in economics… get that man a job!

She’s a nudist… has to explain that she’s not ALWAYS naked

He’s 6 feet, 10 inches tall, 330 pounds and hates football… which is crazy because you should like anything that you resemble

He’s an atheist but celebrates Christmas… has to explain it.  Really?!?  I guess there’s some people who think Christmas has something to do with religion?

She’s Mormon, so she has to explain why she drinks, smokes, cusses AND lives with her boyfriend

He doesn’t drive… explains that he’s epileptic.  I don’t drive either, but only because they say you can’t drink AND drive, so I stopped driving, kept drinking

Has to explain why he doesn’t have kids… might have something to do with safe sex

He’s narcoleptic and THAT’S why he falls asleep all the time

Because he lives in Seattle, he has to explain why he doesn’t drink coffee… that’s OK, as long as you drink Pabst.  Gotta do something to be “hip”, right?

He’s half black and half white so he has to explain everything to everyone

He works for the bomb squad and discovered that he has to explain that no, the job isn’t as easy as snipping the red wire

He’s gay but has to explain why he likes boobs… BECAUSE THEY’RE (.)(.)’S!!!

IN AND OUT BURGER
Miles and Hair Club headed to lovely Reno, Nevada this past weekend to see Glenn Campbell.  No, seriously.  Anyway, during his trip he made it a point to patronize the legendary, the glorious, the unmatched In and Out Burger.  I won’t go on about it, but here’s a picture of the meal he chose to eat.  Drool on, bitches.

I’m out.

Until tomorrow, mind your own business, don’t gossip and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

So, regular season for Major League Baseball came to a close last night in dramatic fashion.  If you’re a Boston Red Sox fan it’s likely that your screams of frustration drowned out the hacking sounds of your team choking.  The sox had to win their game against the hapless Orioles, even had a 3-2 lead in the bottom of the 9th inning, but found a way to lose 4-3.  Did I mention that they were one out away from victory when they choked?  Granted, they also needed the Tampa Rays to lose to the Yankees, and when they Yanks were leading 7-0, things were looking good for the Sox nation.  Imagine their surprise when the Rays chipped away at the Yankees lead, took them to extra innings and walked away with an 8-7 win.  Yea, the Red Sox pretty much blew a sure thing.  It happens to the best of us.  Maybe you had a cushy job but got busted smoking in the bathroom, or the cops were about to let you go when your bag of weed fell out of your pocket or you were excited to propose to your girlfriend but she found the love letters you kept from your previous squeeze… there are just so many ways to screw up an otherwise stable situation.  WHEN DID YOU COMPLETELY BLOW IT?

I have far too many examples to even begin answering this, so I won’t.  As for you:

Super- hot blonde wanted to take him back to her hotel room and get down- right freaky.  He got drunk on Seagram’s 7 and passed out in the bed of his pickup truck.

Had a chance to get some booty LAST NIGHT but turned it down because he had to get up early today… so the f**k what?!?  You were gonna get up early today ANYWAY, so why turn down the buttocks?  I’m disappointed

Got hammered on his prom night… got hammered and his date went home with 2 other guys

Went to propose to his girlfriend, said “Kelly, will you marry me?”  Her name is Erica

Blew it when he said “I do”

Met a really hot chick at a bar on his birthday.  She told him that she was going back to her hotel room (wink- wink) and he said “OK, have a good night”.  A few minutes later he realized the error of his ways

Was at school denying that he was smoking pot… everything was going well until he belched a cloud of smoke

Got to meet Wayne Gretzky when he 10… then he puked buttered noodles on him

Crashed 2 cars into each other (a Land Rover and a Mercedes) while working as a valet… lost his job 7 minutes later

Slept with an “ugly Russian” guy and got herpes

When she was 6- years- old, she found her mother’s douche… started using it as a water bottle

FARTS
I’m notorious for my farting prowess and willingness to share my flatulence with whomever is in my vicinity.  Well, today I was particularly gassy and my biscuits were he harbingers of a stink that was indescribable.  Anyway, I was lighting it up the studio today, much to the chagrin of Miles, and the haters came out of the woodwork.  Never knew that farts inspired so much hostility.  People were angry, disgusted, calling me names, etc.  That being said, some people enjoy the farts, some really, really resent it and wanted to kill me.  Very strange that farts could cause so much controversy.  I’m proud.

OK bitches, we’re outta here until Monday.  Have a good weekend!

Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”