Wanna see Ted get creeped out?
 http://youtu.be/MbeG4L3Lvjg

Hahaha, we got him again!

“Hola,

The folks at E-Poll surveyed 1100 people to rank celebrities on their level of creepiness.  Creepiness is completely subjective, of course.  All of us sense creepiness in different ways, as E- Poll’s list clearly demonstrates.  For example, you’ll find Marilyn Manson on the list, and even though his version of creepy is manufactured shlock, I think we all get why he’s on the list… sort of.  On the other hand, Casey Anthony and Woody Allen are also on the list, for entirely different reasons.  What shocked me were the people who DIDN’T make the list. How about Doug Hutchison?  He’s the 51- year- old actor who married Ocean Shore’s own 17- year- old Courtney Stoddard.  Take a look at their wedding photo. Yea bitches, creepy.  He’s ALWAYS been creepy, but his marriage confirmed my suspicions.  How about Mr. Rogers? That guy gave me the willies as a kid, freaked me out as an adult and even though he’s dead, I still think Mr. Rogers is the creepiest thing going.  That’s just me, but today we wanted to know what you think:  EITHER SOMEONE YOU KNOW OR A CELEBRITY, WHO CREEPS YOU OUT THE MOST AND WHY?

I won’t go through all of the different answers we got today as some of them were just way too involved, but we heard a few alarming tales today.  One in particular ended with a woman’s mother shooting and killing her creepy boyfriend, while another involved a woman who got the heebie- jeebies from a dude who was later arrested for murder.  They say to always follow your gut, and in a lot of the stories, people’s guts were right.

What’s kinda strange though is something that Miles read recently in some book from the FBI about serial killers.  When you watch a movie or a TV show, serial killers always come off as serial killerish; Hannibal Lechter, Buffalo Bob, Anthony Perkins in ‘Psycho’, etc, but according to the FBI, the one uniting factor of all of them is that they didn’t SEEM creepy.  All of them were described as ‘nice’ or the ‘pillar of the community’ or ‘church going’ or whatever.  So chances are, the nicest person you know eats people in the form of chili.  By contrast, they say that most CEO’s have a common denominator… they’re LITERALLY psychopaths.  Go figure.

I’ll leave you with that.

Enjoy your weekend, bitches.

Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

Jeanette Leach is a British woman who has been known MOST of her life as “Jen Big Boobs”… probably because of her 32 JJ bra size.  Yes, you read that right, DOUBLE J!!!  After years of dealing with her enormous ‘dirty pillows’, Jen Big Boobs decided that she wanted to do something about it; she would get a breast reduction.   One problem; her husband won’t let her get a reduction.  I think we all know why, and he even says, “ I don’t mind admitting that I adore Jen’s boobs”… well no sh*t, man!  Anyway, that’s how it goes when you’re in a relationship; you compromise on most things (guys) but every- once- in- a while you put your foot down and resoundingly say ‘no’, this will not happen.  We wanted to know:  WHAT DO YOU WANT THE MOST THAT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER WON’T LET YOU HAVE?

Peace and quiet… that’s a given, my man.  Peace and quiet is a thing of the past, except when you sleep, and even then…

Cigarettes… not sure if he’d quit smoking and she doesn’t want him to start again, if he doesn’t smoke and she doesn’t want him to start or he smokes, she doesn’t know it and he’s hiding it

He wants to be a helicopter pilot and she doesn’t want him to be… not an answer we expected

She doesn’t want him to own a hand gun… but then, how will he shoot her?

A dog… not that he can’t get a dog, it’s that he wants a dog the size of, oh, say, A DOG, while she wants one of those teeny- tiny rodents that are oh- so fashionable now

Wants to have a threesome but his wife won’t let him… bitch!

A “slayer”, which he described as the F-22 Raptor of Espresso machines… it should be noted that the cheapest one is $1000

Her ex wouldn’t let her have sex toys…  why the f**k not?  Are you kidding?  F**king prude

Back piercings… she wants to get two ‘diamond studs’ on her back but her boyfriend doesn’t want her to… thing is, if it’s gonna make her more confident and sexual, the guy will be the person who benefits!  What the hell is he thinking?

She wants a Harley, husband won’t let her… husband rides a Yamaha scooter… just sayin’

A divorce… yea, that’s a problem

OK bitches, I’m not feeling my best, and before you make the assumption, no, I am NOT hung over, just not feeling great.  Hang overs are better… and easier to deal with.

Until tomorrow, if it touches cotton, change your pants and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

“Sugar- free”, “organic”, “low fat” and now “artisan”… these are some of the buzzwords advertisers use to get us to buy their foods.  However ‘artisan’, unlike the other buzzwords, has no particular definition, therefore there are no specific requirements to call something ‘artisan’.  That might explain why in the last 5 years 800 products have released ‘artisan’ versions.  200 products this year alone… and the year isn’t over yet.  Maybe it motivates you to try a new product, maybe it doesn’t.  “Limited time” is another strong sales pitch.  Case- in- point, the McRibb is back at McDonald’s, and even though they’re really not very good at all, I still feel compelled to get one before the promotion is over.  Then there’s KFC who, 5 years ago, released their so- called Famous Bowls… take everything on the menu, dump it in a bowl, cover it in mash potatoes and * presto *, you have a Famous Bowl.  Initially I said ‘no thanks’, but they’ve upped the ante by adding bacon.  Now I’m saying, ‘maybe’.  It’s all about advertising.  Speaking of advertising, 36 religious leaders took out a full page ad in yesterday’s New York Times calling on Village Voice Media to stop accepting adult ads on its classified advertising website.  Village Voice Media, by the way, owns our very own Seattle Weekly, which has all those sweet ads in the back.  I won’t lie, I LOVE flipping through those sex ads because I like the pictures, but I’ve never felt compelled to want to call any of the services.  Advertising is like that; even if you like the ad, you might not spend any money on the product.  Today we wanted to know:  WHAT ADVERTISING WORKED ON YOU AND WAS IT WORTH THE HYPE?

Electronic cigarettes… started smoking at the ripe old age of 15 (a pack a day) and liked them so much that he now sells them.

Ford got him with their 0 interest loan and no money down campaign… says it’s the best car he’s ever owned

Got suckered in by the Little Ceaser’s ‘pizza! pizza!” guy… says the %$ pizzas are totally worth it… meaning they’re totally worth 5$

Is a sucker for personal hygiene product that uses “manly” colors and says “for men”… agrees that it doesn’t really matter, but you feel better saying “I use Dove for men”, as opposed to saying “I use Dove”

We sold him on Men’s Room Original Red… says it was worth it

Is a sucker for any kind of milk that doesn’t come from a cow, i.e. soy milk, almond milk, coconut milk, etc.  I should probably look into that being that I fart like a thunder storm when I drink milk

Saw the trailer for the movie ‘The Village’ (another M. Night Shamylan turd) and thought it looked awesome… and the TRAILER did look awesome… unfortunately, the movie sucked the fat one

Subway’s $5 foot long campaign… already liked the subs, but $5 makes it a lot better

Thanks to Ted, this guy is also an Andro- Penis fan

Frank’s Red Hot… thanks to its latest advertising campaign, he now, quite literally, puts that sh*t on everything

Ab- Flex… bought one from a TV ad and it sucks… in other words, he’s still flabby and out of shape

Keeps getting suckered into bands’ “farewell tours”, only to discover that the band plans on touring for the next 15 years

The Miracle Blade 3 Cooking Knives… advertised as being able to cut through anything (within reason) so he bought them… it’s not that they weren’t as good as advertised, it’s just that he doesn’t cook and had no need for them

HALLOWEEN
If you’re like most people, when you think Halloween, you think about how to properly dispose of all the chopped up hookers in your storage unit and how to dispose of the evidence without cueing the authorities to your guilt.  That’s MOST people.  Some people think of pumpkins.  If you’re one of those weirdoes who thinks about pumpkins, here’s a Men’s Room pumpkin for your enjoyment. Thanks to Darren on Fox Island.

Alright bitches, I’m outta here.

Until tomorrow, slap yo mama and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

This past Sunday in Glendale, California was the 28th annual Love Ride, a yearly charity motorcycle ride.  This year’s Grand Marshall was “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno.  Before the ride officially kicked off, Jay and his chin gave a little speech, saying quote, “Every year, (the organizer) says ‘Drive safe’.  I’m gonna say DON’T drive safe.  I wanna see somebody go down.  So it’ll be fun.  I want it to be in front or behind me and see a whole row of bikes go down.  Get drunk, fall off the road.  We’ve all become too damn polite… we haven’t had one incident.”  About an hour later, 2 riders collided with a big rig and then got run over by the rear wheels an died at the scene.  Naturally, Jay had nothing to do with the accident, but he kinda looks like a douche bag.  To be fair, Jay Leno has looked like a douche bag for years, but now he looks a little douchier and a little baggier.  Then again, Sarah Palin had to backtrack off her comments encouraging civilians to “take out” congress folks who they believe are ruining America after Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot in Arizona.  Again, the shooting wasn’t Sarah’s fault, but her comments made the stupid bitch seem a little stupider and a little bitchier.  Happens to the best of us; we’ve all said something we regret, either immediately or eventually and today we asked you to share:  IN HINDSIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU’D NEVER SAID?

Every day I go home and ponder this very question.

As for you:

Was at a funeral for a friend and someone asked, “how are you?”, he responded, “well, I’m ALIVE!”.  Yea, funeral humor is a slippery slope.

Told her mother to go choke on her religion… her mother later asphyxiated on a crucifix… I made up that last part

In a conversation about bands, he made the comment that he’s “way more of a Tool guy than a Bush guy!”  He was talking about bands… riiiiight, bands.

At a gas station, dude pulls up in a truck with huge tires.  Told the guy, “nice diggers, man”.  Well, it was a black guy who misunderstood what he’d said and threw a rock through his windshield… yea, man, just say “nice tires”

Visited a friend who had a kid, and as babies are contagious among women, she went home and posted “I want a baby”… two weeks later she was pregnant.  These things happen, but she can’t live it down because everyone thinks she went hunting for man- seed

Got drunk, called his woman some choice names… she left him

Asked a woman the ultimate no-no; “when’s the baby due?”  As you probably guessed, she wasn’t pregnant, just woefully out of shape

Made fun of another students handwriting… kid had MS

While working at IHOP, he had a table of midgets, so he asked them if they wanted kid sized drinks… they didn’t.  He didn’t do it on purpose, he thought they were kids.

At a high level work meeting and made the comment, “Hey, I’m a single mom, I go through A LOT of batteries”… her comment was met with silence until she explained that she meant for her KID’S toys

His 3-year-old daughter asked a fat, black dude, “how did you get so dirty and pregnant”… awkward

SIT AND SPIN
Jolene “treated” us to a taste of Scott Weiland’s latest offering… another f**king Christmas album!  For the love of God, why do people keep putting out Christmas albums?!?  Actually, we know the answer to that, $$$.  It drives me crazy.  Every year some “artist” decides to just make some easy money and record an album of songs that have already been recorded 12,000,000 times.  Seriously, can there be a moratorium on this bullsh*t?  Anyway, listened to it, it sucked the way you’d think it’s gonna suck, but someone will buy it, inspiring another collection of “artists” to release another collection of the same songs next year.  Can’t wait. Here ya go.

OK bitches, I’m outta here.

Until tomorrow, keep your hands to yourself and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

The new biography on Steve Jobs comes out today and if you’re like me, you can’t wait to NOT get your hands on it.  Nevertheless, there are a few interesting revelations, like the story of his biological father.  See, Jobs was adopted but he used to go to a restaurant that his biological father managed.  Thing is, he didn’t know the manager was the Darth Vader to his Luke, the Thulsa Doom to his Conan, the Mufassa to his Simba… that’s my James Earl James tribute.  When he found out that the manager was his father, did Jobs try to forge a relationship?  Nah, he decided that he, as he put it, “didn’t trust him”.  Take Madonna; she’s one of 8 siblings and, obviously, she’s the most successful of them all, having made a fortune doing… I honestly don’t know how she did it, but she did.  It’s not like she came from nothing; her family owns a vineyard (Ciccone Vineyards, if you care) and the whole family has something to do with it, including her older brother Anthony… at least until about a year and a half ago.  Anthony came upon some unspecified ‘hard times’ and got the boot.  Since then, he’s been living homeless under a bridge while his sister pretends to be British.  And then there’s a family in Lewiston, Maine; an 80- year- old member of the family died recently, so the rest of the family went through the process of going through his personal affects.  Imagine their surprise when they found the remains of his girlfriend in a storage unit.  Did I mention that the ‘girlfriend’ disappeared in 1983?  Did I mention that he didn’t rent the storage unit until 1992?  Creepy?  Yes.  Our question:  WHAT SECRET DID YOUR FAMILY KEEP FROM YOU?

At age 13, he found out that his “cousin” is actually his sister… why wouldn’t someone share that with you?

Didn’t find out who his real father was until he was in his 30’s… it’s not like he was adopted, it’s that his mother lied about who it was.  Why?  She was collecting child support for 18 years from a guy who she fooled into believing that he owed her money.  Ladies, seriously… cut that sh*t out!  Bad enough you suckered a guy into giving you money you didn’t deserve, but you lied to your own f**king kid too?  Pathetic

On his death bed, his grandfather confessed to being the getaway driver in a SERIES of bank robberies… illegal but pretty cool

Found out his uncle is gay… doesn’t everyone have a gay uncle?

His father won a Tom Cruise look- alike contest and won a modeling contract while in the Air Force

Didn’t know he was adopted until he was 16- years- old

Just found out he has 3 sisters and his father is still alive… how does that happen?

His grandfather died and found out he was gay… the mother told everyone.  They were married for 50 years

Found out he was the result of an affair… not a one night stand, an affair.  As a result, he’s never met his father and his mother is a but slutty

His great uncle was a high level Nazi… yours too?!?

Found out his father was married when he knocked- up his mother… the problem was, he wasn’t married to his mother

Call of the day:  she was born with both sets of genitalia and didn’t get the gender- establishing surgery until she was 5… she just found out recently.  Her boyfriend didn’t know, so we had her tell him while she was still on the phone with us.  He took it well, but he didn’t strike us as the brightest bulb on the chandelier of life.  He actually seemed a little confused.  Poor guy

Alright bitches, the Ravens are on MNF tonight, so I’ve gotsta go!

Until tomorrow, shine your gold and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

If you’re reading this blog, Harold Camping was wrong… again.  You remember Harold; he’s the phony religious “prophet” who bilked his (surprisingly large number of) followers out of tens of millions of dollars when he convinced these idiots that the world would end on Saturday, May 21st.  Yea, THAT guy.  Well, after collecting everyone’s money, he explained that his initial prediction for the Rapture was wrong based on faulty math.  According to Harold, Biblical math is different than regular math.  Not to worry, after a few adjustments Harold says that TODAY, October 21st will be the day the world ends.  Wrong again, my man.  Then there’s Moammar Gadhafi; a few months ago he did an interview with Christian Arampour (or whatever the hell her name is) where she asked him about the Libyan rebellion.  Gadhafi, looking sharp as always in his sunglasses and flowing, pastel robes (???) explained that EVERY world leader faces opposition but he wasn’t worried because, as he put it, his countrymen “love” him and they would “protect” him.  We found out yesterday, after they found him in a sewer drain, pulled him out, beat his ass in the streets and put a bullet (or two) in his head.  That, my friends, is not love.  Love is the kind of thing you find at a wedding.  Just two months ago Kim Kardashian and some idiot got married.  The whole thing was televised on E! Network and everyone with no life sat around and watched it.  That was about 8 weeks ago… they’re filing for divorce.  Didn’t see THAT coming!  This leads to today’s question:  WHEN WERE YOU THE WRONGEST?

Yes, we KNOW, ‘wrongest’ is not a word.

Took his first wife back after she kicked her drug habit… she hadn’t kicked her drug habit and he ended with a record and $25,000 in debt

Decided to drink Jagermeister AFTER midnight… never a good idea.  Jagermeister might not be a good idea any time!

Had a strained muscle on his inner thigh so he decided to put Icey- Hot on it… TERRIBLE idea

Bought his “dream car”, a Mitsubishi 3000 GT VR 4… so what went wrong?  It had 51,000 miles on it, or as he put it, right before everything broke

Was the wrongest when she left a message for boyfriend #1 on the phone of boyfriend #2… I remember that message; just heartbreaking

The time he didn’t listen to his girlfriend when she warned him not to hang out with a certain guy.  Should have listened because he got 15 years for armed robbery… he’s on year 9.  Called us from the Stafford Creek Correctional Facility where we are, according to him, very popular.  So now I’m pushing the idea of doing a show from there, like Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison

Beat up the guy who broke into his car… he was ‘wrongest’ because he beat up the wrong guy… that’s a thing

Thought his live-in girlfriend of 3 months was 18… not only was she NOT 18, she was a runaway.  He didn’t know this, of course, so imagine his surprise when the cops confronted them at the Puyallup Fair.  The ONLY reason he didn’t get arrested is because this girl had duped several other men

Took a $500 dare to pierce his junk… not that big of a deal, but the piercing became infected; that’s bad.  Got worse when it swelled up like “a balloon”, but it got the worstest (I know that’s not a word too) when the doctors had to CHOP OFF THE TOP!  We nicknamed his junk the Headless Horsemen

OK, the weekend is here and I’m ready to enjoy it.  Do the same, but remember (seriously) the Viaduct is going down for the next 9 days and traffic will be F**KED UP all over town.  Eep it in mind, keep your road rage to a minimum and come back Monday.  We can all complain about it then.

Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

Maybe you saw the news this morning and thought Carlos Santana or Gene Simmons had been killed… but no, that was Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi.  After 42 years of ruling Libya with an iron fist and months of bloody clashes with rebel forces, Gadhafi was killed.  There are conflicting reports, but rumor has it that he was hiding in a ditch or something.  Who knows?  We know Saddam Hussein was hiding in a hole when American forces found his hairy ass, and Osama bin Laden was living large in a mansion in Pakistan  because he knew American forces were looking for him in Afghanistan.  The point being, he was looking to avoid American forces at all costs… and I think we know why.  Most of us aren’t quite the pathetic, ego- maniacal douche- bags that dictators and terrorists are, and most of us don’t have entire countries looking to hunt us down, but all of us, in the course of our lives, screwed up or screwed someone over and make it a point to avoid crossing paths with the offended parties.  Whether you owe someone money, slept with somebody else’s girlfriend (or boyfriend) or just said some choice words you now regret, there’s someone out there you hope to NOT run into.  Today we wanted to know, OTHER than an ex:  WHO’S THE ONE PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO YOU SHOULD AVOID AT ALL COSTS AND WHY?

Her own mother… not because her mother is an overbearing bitch or anything, but because she’s incontinent and refuses to wear an adult diaper.  In other words, she avoids her mother because her mother is a poop- in- the- pants machine.  I get it.

His boss… his boss is a douche, but more than that, he doesn’t like his boss getting too close to him because it’s likely that the boss will smell the booze on his breath.  Seems strange to me… never had a job where I wouldn’t just inform my co-workers that I’m still drunk from the night before.  On the other hand, this particular guy works in security and I work in the farthest thing from it

A specific co- worker who just won’t shut the hell up when he sees you.  There’s one at every work place

Wants to avoid the “dirty” DEA agent he had to deal with… personally, I try to avoid DEA agents whether they’re ‘dirty’ or on the level, but that’s just me.

His ex’s father… his ex moved in with him on her 18th birthday and her father was none too happy about it.  We don’t know how things ended or what went wrong, but he still feels compelled to avoid her father.  Probably a good idea

His ex- wife’s mother… quite the opposite of above; when his ex announced that she wanted a divorce, her mother started hitting on him.  Said she’s good looking, but it ain’t right and she won’t stop the pursuit

His sister’s ex… he was a meth addict AND physically abused his sister.  If he sees him, he’ll kick his ass

Needs to avoid his “friend” who’s been in prison for the last year because he’s been f**king his girlfriend for the last 12 months.  This is NOT going to end well

OK bitches, I’m outta here for the day!

Have yourselves a fine evening… or don’t.  Your choice.

Until tomorrow, smile for the camera and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a study on Monday that estimates the cost of alcohol abuse with regard to medical expenses.  Truth- be- told, we didn’t care about that, but what DID catch our attention was the CDC’s definition of ‘binge drinking’.  According to them, binge drinking is the consumption of four or five alcoholic beverages on one occasion… or as WE call it, pre- funking.  We drink that much in preparation to go out drinking, so according to the CDC… and our wives and girlfriends… we all have a drinking problem.  Oddly enough, I’m hung over as I write this.  So that’s the CDC; meanwhile, the folks behind the Gallup poll recently came to the conclusion that 86% of American workers are overweight or obese.  How did they come to that conclusion?  They asked 100,000 people for their weight and height and if they weren’t within whatever the “magic number” is, they were labeled fat.  The question is, if 86% of workers are overweight, is it really ‘over weight’, are they over weight or are they the new average?  Who knows?  Anyway, this leads to today’s question:  WHEN IT COMES TO WHAT IS AVERAGE, WHERE ARE YOU ABOVE AND WHERE ARE YOU BELOW?

Today proved to be BELOW average.   For reasons I can’t explain, today’s show spiraled into weirdness.  We thought we had a pretty simple question but somehow the floodgates of strange opened and we were I it all day.  That being said, while were pissing and moaning all day about the oddness of it all, the consensus from the listeners was that today was one of our best shows ever.  Seems that the more we’re derailed and the more bizarre and agonizing the callers, the better the show.  Who knew?

While we appreciate the sentiment, we felt like our brains were melting into quivering puddles of mush.

On that note I must say adios.  My brain needs to recover!

Until tomorrow, shake it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

“Hola,

Our friends at ‘Cracked’ have done the research and come up with “11 Useful Products Too Embarrassing to Use”.    Fellas… ever screw up your goatee while shaving?  If so, the “Goatee Saver” might be the thing you need, but like Cracked suggests, your pride will probably prevent it from ever happening.  Ladies, ever have to go to the bathroom but the line is longer than you can hold your flow, or you can’t find a bathroom in the first place?  The Women’s P-EZ Travel Urinal lets you pee in your pants without any of that pesky wetness.  Wait, what?  No buyers?  Due to who you are there’s at least one product you HAVE to buy that’s embarrassing because what you buy speaks volumes about what’s going on in your life.  Something as small as Odor- Eaters tell the world that your feet stink.  Bean- O and Gas- X scream “I fart to the point that it hurts!”, while buying Depends shares the secret that you sh*t yourself with alarming regularity.  Vagisil quietly announces that your ‘mossy cottage’ smells like Red Lobster and Rid Shampoo reveals that you have crabs AT THE MOMENT!  No one buys Rid to be preventive, you buy Rid because your b*lls are CURRENTLY itching.  It might be humiliating, but it’s necessary.  Today we wanted to know:  WHAT’S THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING YOU HAVE TO PURCHASE AT THE CHECK- OUT LINE AND WHAT PRODUCT DO YOU HAVE AT HOME THAT YOU HOPE NO ONE ELSE EVER SEES?

Away we go:

It wasn’t for him, but when he was 14 he was sent to the store to buy stool softener for his grandfather… WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU:  “My poops are hurting my butthole”.

Uses women’s shaving cream for his face…WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU:  “My face is as sensitive as a vagina”

She gets embarrassed to check romantic novels out of the library… WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU:  “I’m lonely and I masturbate a lot… to Fabio”

Sex lube and Nair… WHAT IT SAYS:  “Come in through the back door, but let me clear the rain forest between my legs first!”

Once bought a box of condoms and summer sausage at the same time.  Wasn’t thinking about it until he got to the check-out line and got ‘the look’.  WHAT IT SAYS:  “I’m into some really weird sh*t!”

Owns pomegranate scented dish soap… WHAT IT SAYS:  “Never tried a penis I didn’t like”

Buys Enzyte penis enlargement pills… WHAT IT SAYS:  speaks for itself

Vagisil… here’s the thing, he buys it for HIM!  He’s not circumcised and gets yeast infections (excuse me while I vomit).  WHAT IT SAYS:  “It’s not for me, I’m a guy!  Why would I have a yeast infection?”

Rid… when he bought it, he was trying (to no avail) to convince the cashier that it was for his 2 non- existent kids.  WHAT IT SAYS:  “My satchel is infested with living creatures.  I sleep with dirty, dirty whores.”

There was this time she bought chocolate ice cream and menstrual pads.  Neither is bad on its own, but together it says:  “Don’t bother me for a week, I’m not in the f**king mood!”

He had to run to Wal- Mart to buy his wife an enema (which, on a side note, is so incredibly sexy)… WHAT IT SAYS:  “My ass is like a malfunctioning cement mixer”.

Bought a DNA test, but it was for her, NOT to determine who the father of her children is… WHAT IT SAYS:  “I want to determine who the father of my children is!”

He’s 25- years- old and has to buy Depends… not for him, but for his Great Dane who leaves “murder scenes” around the house when she goes into heat… WHAT IT SAYS:  “It’s for me because I can’t control my sphincter”.

Bought an electric turkey carver and a pregnancy test in one stop… WHAT IT SAYS:  “If I’m pregnant, I’m taking care of this myself”

Happened to purchase Monistat and halibut in one trip… the cashier made a comment… WHAT IT SAYS:  “If the Monistat doesn’t work, maybe people will think it’s the halibut”.

Doctor prescribed Aldara for a medical condition he has… the thing is, he doesn’t have anal warts, but Aldara is for anal warts… WHAT IT SAYS… “I have the most disgusting ass you’ve ever seen.”

Went with his father to Lover’s Package (bad idea) to help him select a SEX TOY for HIS MOTHER (worse idea).  Everyone assumed they were a couple, but he made it worse when he said, ‘no, it’s my dad’

SIT AND SPIN
Jolene came in today to share with us the top 10 prog- rock bands… according to Rolling Stone Magazine.  As a prog- rock fan, I was loving it.  Here’s a link to her list:

OK, that’s a wrap.

Until tomorrow, rock on, rock out and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”s

“Hola,

The folks at Daily Finance and Yahoo Finance have each released a list of ways that retailers and manufacturers trick us into blowing money on their products.  Some of it revolves around marketing phrases, some of it is product placement, but all of it is designed to get us to part with our money.  They’re not running a ‘scam’, they’re just trying to appeal to psychological cues that make us think we’re getting a deal… so it IS kinda like a scam, but it’s legal.  It’s like those late- night TV ads for kitchen products; use a few choice words to convince people that they NEED the product, then provide them with something that isn’t nearly as good or effective as advertised.  Happens all the time and it happens to all of us.  It could be as simple as the Shake- Weight, buying magazine subscriptions from those teens that roll around in vans or as big as investing with Bernie Madoff.  Today we wanted to know:  WHAT SCAM SUCKERED YOU IN?

Got locked into an 18.5% mortgage on his mobile home… that just SOUNDS ridiculous

Scammed by his girlfriend… they started dating 1 year ago when she was a size 8; she’s now a size 16

Took a job selling a fire- retardant liquid that protects furniture and upholstery… complete scam, of course, and the sh*t didn’t work

Like a lot of kids, he bought himself some Sea Monkeys believing that they were actually monkeys that come from the ocean… and like a lot of kids, he was disappointed to find out that they’re shrimp

Invested $140,000 of his inheritance into a friend’s tattoo shop… failed miserably

The Girl Scouts… doesn’t like their cookies, which is OK, but he keeps buying their cookies because he can’t conscious the idea of telling them no

His girlfriend fell for the “come by and get a free laptop” scam… it was a police sting… she had a warrant out for her arrest

A lot of people suffered scams at the hand of the early days of eBay.  I know eBay has taken care of most of that, but I was very apprehensive to ever buy anything online.  Then I discovered the ease of online shopping and I’m all about it.

GAYNESS
Every year, we do a thing called the “Gay Pool”, a completely immature thing, but fun and there’s money on the line… $100 American dollars.  Here’s how it works:  in January we all select three celebrities we believe will come out of the closet in the next year.  For the second time in five years, Ben the Psycho Muppet has won.  He selected the new Mr. Spock, Zachary Quinto and sure enough, we get the news that Zach is out.  Congratulations to Zach for manning up and Ben for winning $100.  Here’s what’s weird about it… look at the pictures of Ben and Zach.  Weird, man.

OK, I’m out bitches.  Have a bunch of crap I need to get done tonight so I’m saying adios.

Until tomorrow, kiss a crook and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”