“Hola,

So, you discovered a Chase Bank bag containing $17,000 in cash sitting next to a Walgreen’s ATM.  Like me, you take the bag… UNLIKE me, you take the bag and return it to Chase Bank.  You’re not looking for a reward, you just want to do the ‘right thing’.  In the end, it cost you $500 for your trouble.  Why?  You lied to the cops about where you found it.  Sure, it was next to a Walgreens ATM, but not the one you said, so in spite of your good intentions, you DID file a false police report.  That will be $500 please… and thank you.  That’s what happened to Robert Adams.  Of course, you COULD be Mathew Scheurich, a guy who just wanted to “get away from it all”, so he and his girlfriend headed to remote Papua New Guinea to just kinda escape the silliness of the ‘civilized’ world for a few months.  It was a great plan right up until his girlfriend was raped and he was shot in the chest with three arrows AND bashed over the head with a rock.  Hey, things happen.  Sometimes our best intentions crash and burn, and that’s our question:  WHEN DID DOING THE RIGHT THING BITE YOU IN THE ASS?

I try desperately to never do the “right” thing and I seldom have good intentions, so I don’t have an answer to this.  Actually, I’m sure I do, but I can’t remember anything.

Gave a ‘bum’ money, cop assumed it was a drug deal- he had an 8th of weed on him and went straight to jail

Turned in some thieves and got blamed for the theft

Girl he went to a party with O.D’d and he got arrested for underage drinking… oh, and she accused him of raping her

Was on unemployment, got a job and made less money

Adopted a dog from the shelter and was literally bitten on the ass… the first guy to have a literal answer to today’s question

Tried to get some dogs out of the road so they wouldn’t be hit by a car… they weren’t and neither was he… he was hit by a TRUCK

Found a woman’s purse which still had her license and credit cards in it… tracked her down and returned the purse… she accused him of stealing it in the first place

Was in rural Texas driving across the state when he gets flagged down by a cop who’d run out of gas and needed a lift to the gas station… after accommodating the cop’s request, he was cited for driving with open containers and given a $1500 ticket

Got married and adopted the woman’s kid/ she cheated on him and now he’s still on the hook for child support

There were tons more, but they were very detail- oriented and, frankly, it’s way too much to type… for a guy like me anyway.

OK bitches, have a goooooooood night.

Until tomorrow, lick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

5) Is that a trailer in the background?

4) She’s 24.. Doesn’t look a day over 57.

3) Poison fan. Who would have thought?

2) She doesn’t make a strange whistling sound when she speaks.

1) She’s not in porn…. Yet.

June 27th, 2011 proved to be an awesome day for metal here in the Northwest, as the Children of Bodom, Devin Townsend Project, Septic Flesh, Obscura tour rolled in to brutalize the Showbox at the Market.

Obscura opened the show, and damn near stole it! They blazed through some older tracks before playing the title track from their latest record, Omnivium, out now on Relapse Records. You’ll notice that there’s a bit of a lack of “audience participation” but I think that’s because people were busy collecting their jaws up off the floor. Here’s the video:

Up next were Septic Flesh from Athens, Greece. These guys definitely killed it! They combined a great stage set-up, spooky ethereal samples and face slamming riffs that left me feeling refreshed on the epic death/slam sound. Here’s the first song from their set:

Up next were the Devin Townsend Project, or as Devin put it, “the turd in the punchbowl” for the evening. Haters are gonna hate, but as far as I see it, the man is damn near impossible not to like. Despite being the odd band out on the bill, Devin and company brought the heavy in one of the most entertaining sets I’ve witnessed all year long. Check out our full interview with Heavy Dev himself to find out more about his two latest records, “Deconstruction” and “Ghost” out now on InsideOut media. Here are a couple songs from The Devin Townsend Project that night:

Last but not least were Children Of Bodom. Unfortunately the camera froze up during their set so we have no video footage, but below is a photo of their set list taken earlier in the night. As you can see, they played mostly newer material, with a few old school jammers peppered in here and there. I know Kevin will disagree with me here, but as far as this blog and reviewing this show goes, I couldn’t help but feel a little let down by my dudes in Bodom. Don’t get me wrong, musically COB was on point. They did everything right, they whipped up the crowd, Alexei killed the riffage, and Janne Wirman made setting that keyboard on fire look as easy as breathing air (I even saw him yawn once). They played being Children of Bodom to a T. But as new song went into new song after new song, I couldn’t help but feeling that COB has reached their musical plateau. For being some of the most talented musicians in metal, they are wayyyy too good at sounding the exact same, record after record. Or maybe it’s just me.

Thanks for checking out our blog, keep coming back for new videos, reviews, and other surprises! See you on Metal Shop this Saturday night at 11pm!

-Ian

I love this story:  Police arrested a Brooklyn rapper who was performing atop a 25-foot light pole in Time Square. Oney Island Joe…AKA C.I. Joe (that’s a great rap name, by great…I mean Stupid) said he did it as a publicity stunt to help his struggling career. This led to Mono Nick giving us his Top 3 Reasons Why You Haven’t Made it as a Rapper:

–Your signature drinking song is called “Daiquiris Up!”

–Instead of “Scarface”, you constantly quote “The King’s Speech”.

–You prefer to sip Cristal instead of pour it on scantily clad bee-otches.

Last night it was date night for my wife and I, so what did we do…we went to Britney Spears! Or as I would like to call it…Skank Fest 2011…oh my I think the rev’s gal & my gal were the only 2 girls that wore jeans & weren’t “Ho’d” up. It was hands down the best people watching ever…I have never seen more crazy drunk sloppy women rocking the mini-skirts. Chicks get crazy at these shows…girls were being kicked out for being too wasted, chicks were puking, it was AWESOME! One thing I did walk away with…there should be a rule…really LARGE women should never…ever…wear a mini skirt. I’m not trying to be an ass, and I know that everyone is beautiful in God’s eyes…but even God would take one look at you and say “Are you really gonna wear that?”

Did you hear about the guy that hosts the TV show “To Catch A Predator”? Chris Hanson, who has made a career out of catching awful human beings…has been busted for something he did. Look…what he did was no where near what he caught people doing, as what they did was & is horrible…but it is funny that a man that catches people was caught. What was he caught for? Cheating!!!! He was having an affair & the National Enquirer set up a sting & busted him…would have been better if the TV show Cheaters caught him. Based on the fact that he was caught…we asked the simple question: How were you caught, or how did you catch someone cheating? Here are some of the texts we got:

My ex-wifes mother and I were in the middle of well you know and she walked in all hell broke loose she was suposed to be home the next day and came early. Matt

BJ, the girl I was with for 2 years told me she was pregnant. I never told her I was sterile.

By old IM chats that he forgot to delete & his teenage kids found

My ex cought me picking crabs out of my puebs!

I knocked up my ex wifes friend which was also my neighbor….wife found out when she figured out the kids last name ~JAY~

MY NOW EX WIFE SAW THE DNA ON MY BLACK T SHIRT AFTER A WALK TO GET SOME FRESH AIR WITH HER FRIEND OOPS

I noticed we were going through alot of peanut butter and Lucy always had it on her nose From AWESOME the Producer

Today’s Video Blog features a gift that the Rev got, and we narrow down the search for a name for our intern Scott.

Here is the same VLOG for you iPHONE users!

Billy Chambers, who is one of the convicted murderers of famous Tuba Man Edward McMichael, is in trouble with the law again after he rear-ended and side-swiped the car of a woman who’d reported him to police a week before the incident for allegedly stealing several items from her car.

Billy has been charged with second-degree assault and hit-and-run, but this is not his first offense. He has prior convictions for first and third-degree theft, three pending traffic cases, and, like I said before, was one of the convicted murders of the Tuba Man, for which he only served 18 months.

I don’t know if this is a law or not because I am not fully versed on the subject, but I would love it if we were able to take the pasts of all these juveniles that were tried as kids and use it against them once they become adults and break the law again.

If they decide to continue to be stupid once they are over the age of 18, we’ll just tell them we will take a look at all of the crimes they committed when they were underage and hold it against them in court along with their new offense.

Billy Chambers is a perfect example, and in my opinion he should never see the light of day again. He’s 18 now, still getting into trouble, and allegedly is trying to create some sort of web of fear for all those who “wronged” him and have tried putting him behind bars.

I say we take all of his actions into account. Everything he did before he was an adult (that he only got tried as a minor for) should be piled on so we can put him behind bars and let him rot.

When as a society are we going to start punishing kids when they do something as heinous as murder, and yet still don’t turn their life around?

That’s my plan; you screw up as a kid, we’ll give you another shot to rehabilitate yourself but once you become an adult and you are still messing around in the same stupid crap…good bye!

06/30/2011

Awwee do I love Screaming Trees!

Per chance you got to see Mark Lanagan at The Neptune Theater a few Friday’s back. Or maybe you’ve seen Van Connor’s awsome band Valis? Well Screaming Trees getting back together isn’t an option, but a last recording is!!!

A final Screaming Trees album will be released digitally August 2nd. Last Words: The Final Recordings was compiled by drummer Barrett Martin from sessions in 1998 and 1999. The band split up in June 2000. The album features guest appearances by R.E.M. guitarist Peter Buck and Queens of the Stone Age frontman Josh Homme.

In case you’re wondering, the iconic Northwest grunge band says, “There are no plans for a reunion, as the band members are finally well-adjusted adults who actually get along with each other and have happily moved on with their lives.”

Have a great one gang!

Jolene

“Hola,

There’s an email going around the world wide web that was written by a young woman who allegedly had her toes sucked by Quentin Tarantino… while he pleasured himself.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Is it true?  Who knows, but the story has gone viral and, frankly, we find it funny.  Besides, we’ve heard that Quentin has a thing for feet… just didn’t realize the magnitude of his fetish.  To be fair, the only difference between a fetishist and a NON-fetishist is that a fetishist ADMITS he has a fetish.  We ALL have a fetish of some kind and today we wanted to know yours:  WHAT ARE YOU INTO THAT’S JUST A LITTLE BIT STRANGE?

Changes her underwear 5 times a day and owns over 700 pair

Woke up at a girl’s house and realized she had horror dolls all over the place

Not a lesbian, but loves watching girl- on- girl porn… that’s OK, I’m not gay but love nothing more than seeing a man named ME get it on with women

Likes having his back “picked”… not entirely sure what that means, but it’s what he likes

Enjoys throwing insects into spider webs… and spiders thank him

Loves to dress up like a cowboy, likes to dress up like a cowboy and go to the gun range… likes to dress up like a cowboy SO much he’s spent $30,000

Loves women in pantyhose… absolutely obsesses about it and actively seeks them out

Likes to choke his woman during sex… most guys like to choke their women during arguments

Popping zits… just loves it

The man is uber- attracted to pregnant redheads… seriously

Utensils… spoons specifically, and that’s not weird at all, you f**king freak

Into scarification… discovered his fetish when an ex used to get all ‘cutty’ during sex

Digs chicks with freckles

OK, I’m outta here.

Until tomorrow, eat your quesadillas and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

Toppy returned this morning….it’s always great to have the Topshelf back! Toppy went camping with the lady & caught a fish for the second time in his life, and got so drunk one night that he puked. Atta boy Toppy! Shockingly, the night he vomited he wasn’t able to get things “going”…he wasn’t able to pitch a tent if you catch my drift! Speaking of tents, Toppy told us they didn’t camp in a tent, they had a cabin…to which BJ & I both agreed is the way to do it. Either cabin or RV, that’s what I call camping. I’m not into sleeping in a tent….the next time I’m sleeping on dirt will be when I’m dead. In fact, I want my gravestone to say this under the years I lived: “Finally camping like a man”. This conversation inspired a couple of text messages from the fine Rock-A-Holics…Both of these texts came in at 6:06, one from a 253 area code & the other from the 206. Here they are:

You guys are a bunch of p****es

U don’t know how to camp p***ys

You have to love starting the day off with encouraging texts like this…I might be crazy, but part of me is thinking these guys are in the same area with each other…It seems a little interesting that we got pretty much the same text from 2 people at the exact same time. Do you think they collaborated on what to say, sent the text, and then made out because of how excited they were to “learn us.”

The latest news regarding the LA Dodgers filing for bankruptcy is that Major League Baseball has objected to the bankruptcy filing. Being the huge baseball fan that he is, Mono-Nick had something to say regarding the news that the LA Dodgers have filed for bankruptcy this morning…if you missed it…Nick presented to us his Top Signs Your Baseball Team Is Bankrupt:

- Players are encouraged to steal second. And fans’ wallets.

-Vendors yell out, “Popcorn! Peanuts! Baseball franchise!”

-The players have to recycle syringes.

Seattle police are looking into the “very embarrassing” circumstances that led to a semi-automatic assault rifle being left on the trunk lid of an unattended patrol vehicle in public…the word spread when someone took a pic of the rifle on the back of the car. A lot of people are losing their minds about this…look, fortunately nothing bad happened, but who hasn’t left something on their car?  Recently I left my water bottle for hockey on my car, and drove off with it…granted a water bottle is certainly less dangerous than a assault rifle, but we all screw up.   This led to us talking about making huge mistakes while on the job, and what were the repercussions…and here are some texts we got:

Was driving a fork lift and hit the gas not the break and ran into a one of the shelves holding product which then fell and hit another shelf which hit another by the end 6 shelves had tipped over and I was banned from using the fork lift.

Fell asleep on watch, next day I had to stand 20 hours of watch straight on one post

My friend got staph in his blood and heart almost died from nurse that endi his dialysis from her own staph strain. She was only written up 4 it Tims princess

I smoke a lot so I screw up at work every day. -​mono nick

I dropped a $40k computer. I was lucky it was already broken. No punishment.

As a stupid youth, I killed a cat. My mother turned me in. I spend 2000hrs at an animal shelter gassing the unwanted animals.

Had sex on my boss’s desk & left a mess on it! ended up getn fired. go figur?

Today’s video blog features a spoon that nearly “killed” BJ, and our new intern Scott!

Here is the same VLOG for you iPHONE users:

I read an article about a ruling the Supreme Court made…this is really a no brainer for me, but the Supreme Court struck down the violent video game law in California that restricted the sale or rental of violent video games to minors.

The Supreme Court said they did not want to let this law stay in effect because they found that the government does not have the power to restrict the ideas to which children could be exposed. Basically, in the 7-2 vote they found that it was a violation of a person’s 1st Amendment rights.

I don’t understand why people are so worked up about it that they felt that this law needed to be there in the first place. Video games have a rating system for a reason, and it’s up to the parents to watch what their kids are exposed to (just like everything else in their lives). It’s a parent’s job to deem what is suitable for their children, but that’s apparently not good enough for some people in this country.

I am a huge believer in the benefit of video games because they allow us to take our violent tendencies and express them in a healthy way. I love the Grand Theft Auto games for that reason; I take all the stress I’ve had from the day and let it out by running a person over. In real life, I can’t take a baseball bat to someone’s head, or hit someone with my car when I am mad, but when I get angry and need an outlet for that anger, I just pick up a controller.

It is so frustrating to hear people want to blame video games for the bad things criminals do. Bad people do bad things! The reason people do bad things is because they have issues; it has nothing to do with any form of artistic presentation in movies, music, and yes, even video games.

It’s up to parents to decide what our kids can watch. If you don’t like certain depictions that are shown in these games, you can choose not to expose your kids to them; just stop blaming video games for the hurtful actions of some people.

06/28/2011

Sit N Spin N Science!!!!!!

The top Ten musicians with ties to science, compiled by online science magazine IO9.com.

Here’s the Top 10

1) Brian May– Queen guitarist Brian May is at number-one with a Ph.D. in astrophysics. He also designed and built his first guitar, the Red Special.

2) Greg Graffin — The singer in Bad Religion has a master’s degree in geology and a Ph.D. in zoology. In 2010 he co-wrote the book Anarchy Evolution, and he teaches Life Science 1 and Earth & Space Sciences 116 (paleontology) at UCLA. This fall he will be teaching a course on evolution at Cornell.

3) Milo Aukerman — The lead singer for the punk band The Descendents has a doctorate in biochemistry from the University of Wisconsin, Madison and alternates between working with the band and working on academic research.

4) Brian Cox — He was the keyboardist for the U.K. pop group D:Ream. He’s a particle physicist and a professor at the University of Manchester, and works on the ATLAS experiment at the Large Hadron Collider. He also hosts science specials for the BBC.

5) Dan Snaith — He performs electronic, psychedelic pop dance music under the name Caribou. He has a Ph.D. in mathematics.

6) Tom Scholz–Boston’s Tom Scholz is at number-six with a master’s degree in mechanical engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. He was a senior product design engineer for Polaroid and he invented the Rockman headphone guitar amplifier.

7) Mira Aroyo — The vocalist and synthesizer player for the English electronic band Ladytron, Mira is also a geneticist with a Ph.D. from Oxford.

Diane de Kerckhove — A jazz singer, she’s also a Rhodes scholar who received her Ph.D. in materials science from Oxford in 1999. She’s an assistant professor of physics at the University of Guelph.

9) Art Garfunkel– And Art Garfunkel is at number-nine with a master’s degree in mathematics.

10) Dexter Holland — The singer and guitarist in The Offspring, he was a Ph.D. candidate in molecular biology at the University of Southern California. He gave up biology to focus on The Offspring.

Oh and #8 Diane De Kerckhove was switched out for Thomas Dolby’s “Science”!

Cheers,
Jolene