“Hola,

The Republic of Malawi is a landlocked country in southeast Africa.  It’s among the world’s LEAST developed and most densely populated countries.  Malawi has a low life expectancy and high infant mortality rate.  There’s also a high prevalence of HIV and AIDS.  Essentially, Malawi is one of those impoverished African nations that make Africa so Africa- like… and THAT’S why many of its citizens can’t believe that the government has prioritized a plan to punish ‘persistent offenders’ who ‘foul the air’.  In other words, the government intends to outlaw farting, breaking wind, cutting the cheese, floating air- biscuits, etc.  It’s possible, albeit unlikely, that SO many people in Malawi fart SO much that the proposed law is necessary… but we doubt it.  On a side note, I’ll NEVER go to Malawi… I like farting too much, but I’m sure everyone around me would love to ticket me every time I blow one out.  On the subject of annoying habits, we all have our pet- peeves, those things that other people do that drive us crazy.  Today we asked you to consider the annoying people in your life and fill in the following blanks:  I KNOW IT’S NOT ILLEGAL, BUT IT’S ANNOYING ENOUGH THAT I’D LOVE TO GIVE ___________ A TICKET EVERY TIME THEY ____________.

Every time his woman wants to argue in public… I think most women have lost their grasp of a “private life” based on all of their time gossiping

Wearers of the saggy pants… is that still the ‘in’ thing?

Any time someone asks to “borrow” cash… the problem is, they’d have to borrow cash to pay off the ticket

Every time his wife cracks her knuckles

When his buddy stutters… which is easy money since he’s a stutterer

Anyone who thinks drinking PBR is “hip”… what really sucks about it is that the ‘hipsters’ have driven up the price of an otherwise cheap beer.  Thanks hipsters!

Wants to ticket people who say “what?” as soon as you ask a question, in spite of the fact that they heard you

Loud- talker guy on the bus… that includes YOU, guy talking in Spanish!

Anyone who chews with their mouth open

Wants to fine any and every person who misuses the word ‘literally’

Would (fittingly) fine her fiancé every time he comes into the bathroom to take a dump while she’s taking a shower

His wife, every time she answers a question with a question

People who use the word “epic” to describe everything

People who like to forward every f**king e- mail to get… I have a habit of immediately deleting any e- mail that has “FW” anywhere in the subject

Alright bitches, time for me to hit the road.

Until tomorrow, shake your good stuff and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

Founded in 1992 in Tumba, Sweden, Amon Amarth have cemented their place as viking metal masters of the universe! We’ve been waiting for new music from these guys since the release of their record Twilight Of The Thunder Gods in 2008. It’s been a long wait, but your patience is about to be rewarded!

Here is a link to the new Amon Amarth song – War Of The Gods. Tell your friends, and don’t forget to listen to Metal Shop every Saturday night at 11pm on 99.9fm KISW!

What a weekend! Royal Rumble was this past weekend for the WWE…big thanks to the Humbler for having me over to his house to watch it with his buddy’s Dale, and the 2 Chris’s…it’s fun to gamble of the outcome of the matches…I started off pretty good, predicting that Edge would retain his championship against Mr. Perfect version 2.0 Dolph Zigler. I was 2 for 2 when Miz retained his title against Randy Orton…granted he got help from CM Punk & Nexus, but he still walked out a champ. Then I fell apart…I was wrong with the Diva Championship match…granted we didn’t watch a lick of that match, as we went down to his man cave & jammed out on some Nirvana & Rage Against The Machine songs on the bass, guitar, and drums. Then the Royal Rumble went down…some cool surprises happened, as Alberto Del Rio won it all. My money was on Wade Barrett, but that didn’t happen. The highlights of that match…getting to see CM Punk & Daniel Bryan wrestle (it was like ROH wrestling all over again), and the surprise appearances from Kevin Nash (as Diesal), and Booker! Both got a huge reaction from the fans. The lowlight moment…the “surprise” appearance from Hornswoggle. At one point, John Cena was in there with Hornswaggle, taking people out one by one…including Tyson Kidd. The way Tyson went out was so bad that I wouldn’t be surprised if he hung himself with Jim Neidhart’s beard…as getting slammed and taken out by the little irish guy is an embarrassment to the Hart Wrestling School dynasty. MVP of the night…Kelly Kelly for showing up during the edge match, showing off some butt crack!

Saturday night was a blast as my lady, my brother, and I went to a T-Birds game…sadly the T-Birds lost to Portland, but it was still a blast as it was a sold out game & Showare was rocking! Plus it was Teddy bear night…they collected Teddy Bears for the police (police give them to kids when need be). Now I knew the idea was to toss them on the ice, but I thought it was going to happen in between periods…nope, it happened after the T-Birds scored their first goal. Next thing you know a sea of over 5000 teddy bears flew on the ice…it was awesome!!!!

Check out the video:

I took some pix when this happened…Here is the Winterhawks goalie Mac Carruth “enjoying” the celebration of a T-Birds goal…I think this inspired him as he played an amazing game with around 40 saves.

The funny part was that the players helped clean it up…

Check out T-Birds goalie Calvin Pickard helping out…hilarious!

Today’s Video Blog features Vicky enjoying her Kinect!

Here is the same VLOG for you iPHONE users.

Last week we unfortunately started talking about the newest episode of Jersey Shore. Now I’ve said it before, the only way I will talk about this show is if someone gets punched; well apparently Sammi (who’s a girl) punched Ronnie (who’s a guy) in the face because Sammi was jealous over Ronnie’s friendship with JWoww, another girl on the show. It’s another example of girl on guy violence which we just ignore in this country, because if a woman can slap The Bachelor, any woman can hit a man without consequence.

Sammi is an idiot who can’t control her anger, and she hit a guy who is a juiced up meathead who could destroy her with one hit! I don’t condone violence, but if you want to teach someone that you shouldn’t physically attack someone who can really harm you, then I say just let them get beaten up.

As a kid growing up and using my words as a weapon, I learned really quickly that if I messed with the big guy, I would get punched in my big mouth. That taught me an incredible life lesson; I can’t just be an idiot.

Now Sammi can’t learn this lesson the same way, but why not throw her in jail? It would send her and other woman a sharp message, and in return, they will think twice before letting their anger control their actions and hit someone again.

What is this show teaching people? That you can break the law and get away with it? It just frustrates me that women believe they can do anything they want and they will get away scot free.

Remember when Tacoma grindcore badasses Owen Hart joined us in the studio to debut songs off their new full-length “Earth Control?” Sure, it was awhile back, but it took me forever to censor all the foul language that spewed from the mouths of these heathens! Enjoy the video and be sure to check out Owen Hart’s new music right here.

    What up blogger? So last night I went to the Showbox market and saw DJ Pauly D preform. Side note the showbox at the market might be my favorite spot to see a show in the USA. Anyhow the night was unreal for people watching. The amount of short skirts and fake tans and make-up was awesome. Now I should tell you I have a soft spot in my heart that look or what some people would call white trash. I love those girls and I wish they would love me. I also saw a guy with DEEP v-neck that had wings. It was awesome. I gotta go now since it’s T-shirt Time

“Hola,

2011 has started the same way for both me and Miles; we both got audited.  That’s right, the IRX, the tax man, Uncle Sam’s heavy contacted us to let us know that there was something about our tax returns that they didn’t believe and we needed to prove ourselves or pay them thousands of dollars.  That’s a simplified but fairly accurate description of an audit; ‘prove what you say or pay up’… MWAHA- HA- HA- HA- HAAAA!  OK, they don’t actually laugh like that, but you can tell they want to.  On the bright side, we’re both fine and had proof.  No harm, no foul… but the experience is no less unnerving or, frankly, f**king annoying.  It’s like a divorce… you can’t wait to get the bitch out of your life, but the experience still sucks.  When you’re young, you don’t really plan to get divorced, you don’t hope to get audited, you don’t want to have a heart attack or a stroke, or be robbed at gun point or strung out on drugs or have your faced off by a chimpanzee.  Hemorrhoids, VD, high blood pressure… these aren’t things you want to experience, but the longer you live, the better your chances.  We call it the “reverse bucket list”; those things you hope to AVOID doing before you punch your card:  THE REVERSE BUCKET LIST:  WHAT’S THE ONE THING YOU’VE CHECKED OFF THE LIST AND WHAT TWO THINGS DO YOU HOPE NOT TO CHECK OFF?

I’ve been divorced, stung by a HIVE of yellow jackets, arrested and thrown in jail, had a stroke on a flight and lived on the streets for about three months.  None of those things were a goal, but none of them bothered me quite like my farting penis.  To be clear, it’s doesn’t currently fart, but there were about 36 hours of my life when my penis farted.  Apparently, after a catheter is removed from your junk, your junk is full of a bunch of air.  I didn’t know that, so I wasn’t prepared for my first solo trip to the bathroom after surgery, when my penis farted.  It was surreal moment where you just stare at your junk thinking, “that couldn’t have just happened”, only to have that thought interrupted by another penis fart.  Not cool, bitches.

Here’s a mix of things you checked off the reverse bucket list and things you’d like to leave unchecked:

Getting a divorce and an STD

Having to use diapers later in life… I kinda look forward to that ‘cuz I’m lazy

Doesn’t want to be in a plane crash

A bar fight… I was sorta involved in one; I was there but I did less fighting and more trying to avoid getting hit

Never wants to find his wife with another man

Never wants Alzheimer’s and never wants to see his ex… although, if he had Alzheimer’s he may not remember seeing her

He’s already been shot and would like to avoid a repeat performance

As a cue that he had Chrone’s Disease, his colon swelled  shut… read that twice to really get the magnitude of suckiness

Hemorrhoids… doesn’t have them, doesn’t want them

Always wanted to avoid getting a DUI but never considered the idea of not drinking and driving… got 2 DUI’s in 2 months

Never wants whatever is on Ted’s back… we think he has bed bugs, and while we find it amusing, Ted doesn’t share our mirth

Testicular cancer… had it, wants to avoid a repeat

AIDS… we’d like to think that goes without saying

A punctured lung

Cancer… like AIDS, we just kinda assumed

Outliving his children… can’t imagine it, and all things being equal, it’s unlikely

Burnt his ass on a wall heater… branded his cheek with the letter ‘E’

Alright then, the weekend is here.  Hell yea, bitches.

Have a good weekend… or don’t; completely your choice.

Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

Found on Ted’s back

Text ideas to 77999 or send an email to  themensroom at kisw.com

Man Charlie Sheen is falling apart…he is living life in a blaze of glory! People are really worried about Charlie, I say let him do what he wants…he’s living quite the life!
Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital yesterday morning with severe abdominal pains. Word is that it happened after about 36 straight hours of partying at Charlie’s house that included at least two porno stars and three other women. Atta boy Charlie…he needs to do a porn parody: 2 And A Half Porn Stars!

TMZ is reporting that Charlie didn’t O.D. or anything like that. He has a hiatal hernia. I bet he got that hernia from snorting coke too hard off of those porn stars back sides!

I love this excuse…and I could be wrong, but it sounds like an excuse… a friend of his claims that he aggravated it by laughing too hard while watching TV. It would be a great promo for his show if he said he was watching a re-run of 2 And A Half Men.

TMZ says Charlie was snorting and SMOKING cocaine . . . and critiquing porn on his TV. Now if that is true, I absolutely love Charlie Sheen.  I wonder what film he was watching!!!!

A source says Charlie was watching porn with one of the porno stars at his house, and was asking her lots of technical questions about camera angles and such. She was reportedly, quote, “surprised by the depth of his knowledge.”
When Charlie was wheeled out of his house yesterday morning, two young women were also seen leaving.  Ok…so he was watching porn with porno stars…that would be like watching Rocky with Sly Stallone.  Have I mentioned that Charlie is the man???

HUGE thanks to Kevin Smith for joining us this morning …..Kevin is coming to town for a Q & A and a screening of his new movie “Red State” on April 4th. Tix are on sale now through Ticketmaster. Kevin is always great to have on, a real nice dude…plus he must be as miserable as me, as our favorite team, the New Jersey Devils have been so bad this season that even though they have won 6 of their last 8 games, their record is a horrible 16 wins and 30 losses!!!! As Kevin said…chalk this season up as a loss!

Speaking of hockey, yesterday during the STP-CAST, my Donkey teammate Monson joined us. Monson is a one of a kind individual, and he showed Toppy & the Rev his “manscaping”…it’s unreal. It’s today’s Video Blog:

Here is the same VLOG for you iPHONE users.

Yesterday during Group Therapy, we read an email from a woman named Fay in which she asks us how she should handle “the talk” with her 14-year-old step son. Now I know this is a very tricky subject for parents, but it’s a great idea to broach the subject because at least the kids will have some basic knowledge, even though the situation may be uncomfortable.

What shocked me about Fay’s email was how she said her husband wanted to take care of the situation. He just wanted to play a “Girls Gone Wild” video for him and if he has any questions, he would answer them for him.

This guy must be good at some stuff, but thinking is clearly not one of them. If he was one of my buddies in my group of friends, we would all yell at him for being an idiot because this is one of the dumbest thing’s I’ve ever heard.

You just don’t watch porn in front of your kids, and “Girls Gone Wild” isn’t the sex talk! Granted it is visually stimulating but it doesn’t show how the reproductive system works, how STD’s are spread, or how to be safe.

Sometimes us guys have to understand that we are just dopes; we may be good at other things but when we’re not qualified to do something, we have to step back and let someone else handle it.

When I had the talk with my son, I knew that they were learning about it in school so I just needed to reinforce what they don’t get to learn about. Women push the “keep it in your pants” mentality, and what I taught my son is that as men we lose our rational thinking when we we’re aroused, so “keeping it in our pants” isn’t the easiest thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great idea if you’re not horny, but women just need to get that men have hormonal issues we can’t control as well.

I congratulate Fay for asking for help because it’s hard for a step parent to establish any kind of authority with a step child, but her husband is a moron. What they need to do is talk to their kid about the challenges he’s going to face and how to one day have healthy responsible sexual relationships.